If I Could Pick the Pope

This short essay was written in 2001 when I was teaching at Georgetown College and the College of Cardinals had gathered to conduct business in Rome. It was not a papal conclave, as John Paul II was still serving as bishop of Rome. I included this essay among the 125 published by Mercer University Press in 2004 in the book, On the Other Side of Oddville.

If I could pick the pope, he would be from Africa or South America: someone with color, and accent, and fresh ideas about following Jesus in the third millennium.

We have had quite enough of the Italian popes. This one from Poland [Joseph Ratzinger, AKA Benedict XVI]was a good idea, and I would succeed him with someone from much farther away.

The word “catholic” means universal. If the Roman Catholic Church wants to be truly universal, it is time to break out of the notion that only a European can be a good pope. Can you think of a better way to launch the third millennium than by putting the papal crown on an African head?

Actually, the crown (what insiders call the tiara) is no longer used in papal installation ceremonies. In 1978, Pope Paul VI sold his and gave the money to the poor. He had it right: no pastor, not even the head pastor in Rome, needs to wear a crown.

If I could pick the pope, he would be a person to continue this simplification of the office. There is still too much pomp and ceremony, too many ornaments, vestments, bells, and whistles that distinguish this spiritual leader from both the Savior he obeys and the people he leads.

Jesus didn’t wear anything like the costume normally worn by these bishops of Rome. They got it not from the simple prophet and healer of Galilee but from the emperor of the Roman Empire whom they chose to emulate centuries ago

What other world leader wears such a getup? Not the president of the United States, nor the premier of China; not Billy Graham or Desmond Tutu. Arafat wears a kafiya, but who considers him worthy of imitation?

Judges wear simple robes as do professors. Imams of Islam and the Dali Lama wear the traditional garb of their people.

Isn’t there a man strong enough to be head of the Catholic Church but simple enough to prefer the dress of the common people?

That leads me, of course, to the man thing. Must the pope be a male?

I know the Catholics are in dispute about this gender matter, as are many Protestants. Is there some way God could surprise us all by sneaking a woman onto the papal throne?

God can work miracles, but is this in the realm of possibilities?

Here then is a question for the theologians: God can raise a man from the dead, but can God put a woman on the throne in Rome? Are there some things not even God can do?

Such a question might be reason enough for God to stick with the men. But is a married man too much to ask for?

If I could pick the pope, I would look for a man with one wife and at least five children. That would make him a good Catholic and enable him to understand his people.

I would wait around until all his children are grown and some are married with children of their own. A pope trying to raise teenagers would be always on the edge of desperation, perhaps even apostasy. That, we all agree, would not be good for the papal thing.

But a pope with grandchildren! Isn’t that a grand idea? Talk about family values!

Dr. Seuss tells us that when Morris McGurk wanted to run the circus, all sort of wild and crazy things happened. I think here of Great Daredevil Sneelock and the fishbowl.

It makes a delightful children’s tale, but it wouldn’t, I suppose, make good adult history. Religion today is dominated not by imagination but by tradition, and that’s what will count in the coming papal election.

Just to set the record straight: I won’t be on the search committee for the next pope, however interested I may be. Like you, I will leave that task to 188 elderly men who recently gathered in Rome. They are the cardinals of the Church. They come to discuss the business of Catholics and, no doubt, to exchange ideas about what makes a good pope. A few of them just might share some of my ideas.